He has always been my favorite comedian since I was a teenager and he's coming to town. I'm taking the wife next week to see him live. I can't wait. He's not a well known comic, but I laugh my ass off when I see him. He tells these very obsure 1 liners that have to make you think. He never smiles or shows any emotions, which makes him all the more hilarious. Some of my favorite one liners are:
-For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
-If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
-I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
-I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
-I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-What's another word for Thesaurus?
-You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
-Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
More quotes here
Video clips here
